Saturday, 5 November 2011

 

What I Don't Get About Women


Most baffling to me are their purses. Firstly, handbags have become the new jewelry and often cost as much or more than diamonds. For some reason, I can't help but measure purses in the value of Tata Nanos. When a woman mentions how much her designer purse cost, I think, "Holy Fendi, she's carrying 5 Nanos on her arm!"  And then I imagine it. And it makes me chuckle. 

Then there's what's in those purses. They're either the size of carry-on luggage or else so postage-stamp tiny, you need to squint to make them out. I have seen women carrying around tiny sparkly objects that I could swear look like the little figurines you see in the showcases of old Parsi relatives. Apparently, they have secret latches that pop them open and are like a magician’s hat because, no matter what their size, women’s purses are always filled with vast quantities of mysterious trinkets and treasures. They contain anything you could possibly need -- fistfuls of Splenda, a shot of penicillin, a copy of Tolstoy's War & Peace, the portal to a parallel dimension. However, there is one thing they will never contain and that is a tissue when you’re about to sneeze. There have been innumerable instances when I can feel a sneeze measuring at least 5 points on the Richter Scale about to hit and I throw a look of desperate hope to a woman with a gigantic purse. On every occasion she dives into the inner depths of the bag, rummages around and always comes up with a casual shake of her head and a shrug, leaving me to deal with my own nose tsunami. I do not believe there are no tissues. I believe that this is the female revenge that women are genetically programmed to inflict on men for all the injustices they’ve had to suffer throughout history.
 

The other thing I don't get about women is why they go to the bathroom in packs. A bathroom is not my idea of a social venue and the last place I want company. But yet, I have never seen a woman go to the bathroom alone. There's something very conspiratorial about the whole thing. When you're at dinner at a restaurant, there always seems to be a secret signal (inaudible to the male ear) at which point all the women at the table will jump up, scoop up their purses and march together to the ladies room. They spend an inordinate amount of time in there and they always emerge, fastening up their purses and adjusting their dresses with smug looks on their faces. 

In my mind, their bathrooms are magical wonderlands with champagne fountains and unicorns handing out hand towels. And what exactly happens in there? Were they conducting a séance? Engaging in some sort of debauched Sapphic bacchanal? Is that spy equipment they’re putting back into their bags after averting a world war? Or, most terrifying, could they have been discussing us men?

(From Cosmopolitan India, December 2011)

63 comments:

  1. Sooooo cute!! trust me.. we are not that difficult to understand!! In fact.. our mystery is absolutely overrated! :P True story! ;)

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    1. i dont think so,,,,,,,,,,coza always diffcult to understand galzz

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  2. If men ever get to know the mystery of women thn there will be no charm left. In fact coz u ppl can't us very well that's why u r interested in women. Right? FarahKhan

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  3. Spot on.. You crack me up!! :)
    We're discussing you men in the bathrooms by the way.

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  4. that is simple and meticulous..loved the way u explained

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  5. I find ur blog page very beautiful.Nice black and white and ur signature at top.Its looking beautiful.

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  6. U unfolded de biggest mystery..!!!

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  7. Couldn't stop laughing! You've got a way with words.

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  8. You may write and read billions more pages but will never be able to decode this mysterious creature... The day when you will understand them, final call from the MIGHTY ONE would be on it's way... :)

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  9. I couldn't stop giggling. I'm guilty of the HUGE purses, but i really do need everything. And I always have tissue on hand. but yes we do discuss the men when we go to the bathroom :) Bit impossible to do that by yourself eh?

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  10. You mean your wonderful sense of style does not mandate the carrying of a crisp white handkerchief for nose tsunami emergencies? There's a problem with your toilette, Mr. Khanna! :)

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  11. Quite a funny but true story....nd yess yu have evry reason to be terrified, we discuss men! Not in our genes to actually wait till after the evening gets over!!

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  12. that is so funny! but really we aren't that much of a rubik cube!

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  13. I agree with Sarah.. And love the style in ur signature!
    But are these the only mysteries u don't understand about women!??
    T.

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  14. 1. There are *always* tissues in those handbags. Some women even carry a tissue in each compartment/pocket. Now don't ask me why the women you know refuse to let you have any!

    2. Ha ha wouldn't you like to know what we do in the bathrooms? That would be telling, so I won't. I'll tell you it's fun.

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  15. OMG RAHUL i absolutely love it!!!

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  16. well...as it has been said....(specially for men)the day you fully understand women,will come when you become one!;)

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  17. You're right. The tissue thing is revenge. And we do the toilet thing just to drive guys nuts.

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  18. Hola rahul, Well written, though am surprised when you have tsunami sneeze...why dont u dig into your own pocket??

    Tata,
    Ruchi

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  19. Maravilhoso artigo Rahul, inteligente, com humor e tenho certeza que todos os homens ficam a imaginar as mesmas questões .. parabéns!!! Amei!!

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  20. Rahul wonderful article, intelligent, with humor and I'm sure that all men are to imagine the same questions .. Congratulations! I loved!

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  21. Really well written :) For all the ridiculing we women put up with for the size of bags we carry (I carry a huge one) it always amazes me how the moment a movie starts or anything interesting for that matter, all the guys around you rush to you with their multiple smart phones, their 'compact and manly' shopping bags or their copy of 'why we'll never understand women', asking you to protect it for them while they walk around empty handed :) not that I mind...after all that's what nature intended, put up with them and then take care of them :) Shilpa George

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  22. It's not a bag btw it's Doraemon's pocket, lol!
    mine is as big as postman bag, not a fans of small bag (unless it's a party). With laptop, Make-up, notes, data cables & charger on it,imagine the suffering :))

    Women ALWAYS bring tissue in their purse, it's on the list after the wallet & make up. In your case she might be run out of tissue.

    And the bathroom scenes as I'd called it hmm...
    (1) the idea being lonely in the bathroom is kinda creepy, thanks to horror movies
    (2) the idea of queuing up in the bathroom is also creepy :))
    (3) and yes might be talk about some interesting happened in the dining table earlier

    The Greatest Mysteries revealed

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  23. hahaha!
    brilliantly written! the part about purses is true but about the whole ladies room mystery.....well, all i can say is, most of the time, us girls, might not go to the rest room for it's actual purpose.....

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  24. True,
    One more point you will get wet wipes but not tissues......:)

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  25. I've always envied Hermione Granger's magically enhanced purse in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in which she could fit -- gasp -- a tent! Would give my right arm to get a purse like that *sigh*. My no. 1 reason for wanting to be a witch.

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  26. i'll take a shot at that whole bathroom thing. the difference between the urinals in men's restrooms and the cubicals in the women's restrooms is the same as a comfy office and a cubical in an office space. those who have all the privacy for their business love to hang out at the water-coolers. and its great to have company. also, yes, we do discuss topics that go beyond makeup, and that includes men.

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  27. How is it I only find out you had a blog when Payal and Priyanka at HighHeel wrote their response? Let me just shove this giant rock off me, ah there much better. Rahul, I am mucho impressed. Looking forward for more delectable, delicious, pleasurable...posts. *hurries to bed dreaming of Rahul Khanna* lol I joke!

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  28. :) We're not as mysterious as you make it sound. But I guess a little mystery adds to the magic eh? ;)

    Large handbags are more practical, cos we're ready for any eventuality- retouching of make-up, sudden bout of hayfever (tissue anyone?), zombie-attack (I hear they don't like heat and light, so I carry my muffler and a Zippo :P).

    Just another day for us chicas! :)

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  29. But now apparently there are purses for men..just saw it on some fashion show. You should buy one and fill it to capacity with tissues...

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  30. those huge purses offer a great sense of security to us women, ready to take on just about anything so long as its full of the bare essentials :) Huzzahs for you Rahul, love the articulate yet simple prose. you must write more. all the best and next time ask your woman of the hour before hand for a tissue :) x

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  31. You'll never ever be able to lift the bathroom secret. Because to you men, the girls' bathroom will always look just as blank and boring as the boys' one but to us girls, it opens its magic...

    But you're quite right about the purse. It opens to a parallel universe.

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  32. Good to see you writing, Rahul! :) I too love the simple, clean and classy look of the page with the signature at the top. Well, I must not be a woman..as I almost never look for company to go to the bathroom :-). Hope you never have to look for a tissue again during those moments! I will keep one just for you if ever I meet you one day! Reminds me that it's not a bad idea to keep that tissue in my purse now. Gosh, I am really not one of the regular women I guess haha :). Great read Rahul. Love you. Harshi.

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  33. I take my purse out all the time with my tissues. Maybe that's cause I'm allergic..

    Nice blog by the way! :)

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  34. Rahul!! Your articles are a delight to read. They always make me laugh or at the very least smile :) I would so love a rendezvous with you and since we both love to chatter, I think it would be memorable indeed! (If u ever in BKK, gimme a holler)

    *Gosh, didnt think it was so hard to type without using abbreviations!! LOL :p

    Keep them comin' :)

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  35. What a lame post.. I thought you looked good and came here hoping to read some intelligent stuff.. Is THAT what you don't get about women???? Duh!! You seem no different to the others... Just packaged in a different wrapping paper.. Will hold onto the belief of not judging a book by its cover..

    "I believe that this is the female revenge that women are genetically programmed to inflict on men for all the injustices they’ve had to suffer throughout history."
    Was I supposed to laugh?? Hi Haw Haw!!!

    And yeah, I know, commenting as anonymous doesn't speak much of me either.. What can I say? Maybe I am a loser girl who doesn't want to look like one.. So you can take this comment with a pinch of salt and move on.. You anyway have many 'likes'..

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  36. @Miss Anonymous 5 January 2012 17:51

    You seem like you'd like to seek for some help. This post was not targeted, its just a persons thought. Read it, move on!
    I simply cannot understand the need of spurting negativity to anyones right to think, be it conventional or not. Really, what does anyone achieve by bashing anyones post!
    Get a Life!

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  37. ur purse story is very true and i just realized i don't have a tissue in mine so absolutely true! lol

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  38. Haha! Very true! Though I am a woman, I don't understand what "can" fit into the miniscule purses women carry for formal events - my wallet and phone won't into that - leave alone tissues, house keys, a book etc!

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  39. Lol true about womens. We go together in a pack to ladies room to compit who has the best of all things. Just jealousy.

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  40. I am really surprised amongst all the comments no one tried to help you out of your curiosity. As in, what actually transpires in restrooms.
    As, you are curious about it, I was always appalled by the magic of the place as weaved by our part of species. Will try to explain in briefest possible.

    Restrooms are female-bonding places, maybe akin to males too, though am not sure for obvious reasons. In one of the corporates I worked in past, had around 200+ employees on a single floor with max 12-15 females, completely dispersed around. Restrooms were the only place we met, discussed any anomalies in daily dressing, pointed out 'corrections', as women are not-thought-of doing. Discussed mundane, mostly sad mundane n comforted as complete strangers but very conveniently/easily understanding.

    And that exactly what happens in any of the restrooms. We unwind, from the faces we keep, finally relax or check the odd pieces of attire we so confidently carry. And bond sisterly. Just to tell you - we dont discuss men in restrooms, at all. Unless its coaxing for any intended poaching, being delayed :)
    And yes, you write awesome, do keep up. Would like to read more of you.

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  41. dear i always keep tissue paper in my purse,it all depends on a person to person

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  42. Humm , good!

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  43. lol i'm one of those women who has tissues in her purse. i love the way you magically explained the contents of a woman's purse. for me the contents vary according to the destination :) i can't do without a purse/bag most of the time. mostly useful items hehe if it's a clutch - it usually contains phone and money coz that's all it fits.
    as for the restroom story, as a woman i find it annoying when girls travel in packs everywhere. i'm probably one of the few who doesn't do it lol it's so irritating when i see that happen. it's just about being together for those few moments. mostly it's done to check how they look/adjust makeup. or come up with a last minute plan LOL i've observed some very much discuss men. your story reminds me of a show i saw on tlc - wild loos in the US. they have mirrors such that men can see what the women are doing in front of the mirror and more such crazy stuff . you'll get your answer when you visit one of those lol
    do write more often rahul ! you're hilarious and you have a way with words

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  44. Couldn't help but giggle :)But now I wonder how men can walk out of the house empty handed and how everything seems to fit so perfectly in their pockets 0_0 (And so I google "how do men fit everything in their pockets?"):P

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  45. Come to Dubai to see the handbag obsession. Nothing beats the hilariousness when you see a woman carrying her designer purse with at least 7 kilos of crap and then a maid trailing behind her carrying that one grocery bag with a loaf of bread in it.

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  46. Would I get brownie points if I am a girl who does not carry a huge bag , but still always has tissues on her and hates the concept of going to bathrooms in packs anyway? Well some women love to break the stereotype you see! :). That said, I was giggling throughout reading this post! You have an awesome sense of humor and a great talent at words!

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  47. Haahaahaa.... Wow r women really dat mysterious or u just got the wrong key :D ....nice read

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  48. Women go to the bathroom together because that's where we have a rap battle. #Sarcasm

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  49. Am laughing-reading such interesting anecdotes.Keep writing.xx

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  50. Lolzz !! Rahul ..... U r 1 hell of a Funny Guy !! Loved your comical analogies ......... n your impeccable English, I am adding more words to my lexicon !! Thanks for the same !!

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  51. Lolzz !! Rahul ..... U r 1 hell of a Funny Guy !! Loved your comical analogies ......... n your impeccable English, I am adding more words to my lexicon !! Thanks for the same !!

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  52. I think a lot of women go to the bathroom alone. Maybe some women go to the bathroom together because they are afraid of being raped. Just a thought.

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  53. Have you ever watchrd the news in india? A woman is raped every second of every day. And a lot of these occur in public toilets. That may explain why women go to toilet in groups. But cute article anyway. You are a handsome bollywood actor..nobode expects you to be concerned with such matters. Keep up the cute blogging.

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  54. Omg! Omg! Let the mystery stay until you are ready to reveal the mystery in you ;)
    Loved your observation. :)

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  55. You write beautifully! You should write a book how it was growing up!

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  56. actually being a women even i find it weird that y women go in bunches to the rest room and y do they carry such huge purse if they dont get whats necessary.
    actually i might be the odd one out bcoz i like to carry minimal things with me those things which i badly need...
    and most women love chocolates but i dont bcoz they are toooo sweet....
    well sometimes women only dont understand y some women want company even in the washroom...
    i guess u need ask them y they do it like that.
    and understanding women is not that difficult but not even easy though.......
    still loved reading ur experience.

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