Thursday, 17 April 2014

 

Trip Tips, GQ India, April 2014

1:30PM, Late Check-Out, Bali

How messy is too messy to leave your hotel room? Also, should one tip housekeeping?
Trashing hotel rooms went out with Led Zeppelin’s farewell tour in 1977. Keep in mind, hotels provide housekeeping, not disaster management. As a bit of an OCD neat freak, my problem is the opposite. I have, in fact, had to start messing my hotel rooms up a bit more because on more than one occasion, housekeeping have left without providing service, convinced that another crew had already been in. As for tipping, it’s nice to let them know they’re appreciated, especially if you’ve done something like clogged the toilet, spilled a glass of wine or requested an advance bed linen change after a wild afternoon of passion. Again, I tend to take it to the other extreme. If they leave me extra chocolates on my bedside, I leave a small cash tip on my pillow. If they lay out all my toiletries on a clean, white washcloth, I write them a cheque. If they organize my laundry in the wardrobe by colour, I pledge them a kidney should they ever need one.

People who cut queues and invade my personal space at the airport make me want to punch them. How do I put them in their place without making a scene?
I’m generally a non-violent person, but inconsiderate people bring out my inner Genghis Khan. I say punching is too lax. If someone cuts in front of you, it’s perfectly acceptable to behead them with your boarding pass and then hold up the decapitated head as a warning to anyone else with the same idea. If you’re more Mahatma than Mussolini, I suggest carrying a large backpack and also hanging a camera with a long telephoto lens around your neck to keep co-queuers at bay. If you’re heading to a beach resort, a large swimming tube around your waist would work well, too.

What do you do if the lady beside you is smoking hot? How do you chat her up without being sleazy?
Propagated by Penthouse Forum letters and sexy spy thrillers, the smoking-hot seatmate is the unicorn of travel. There have been unsubstantiated claims of random encounters, so we cling to the hope that she exists, but I’m sorry to break it to you: smoking-hot ladies travel by a secret, private airline reserved exclusively for them. So, just make peace with the fact that your seatmate will be a middle-aged male executive, as disappointed by your presence as you are with his. Strike up a conversation about cricket scores, tell a bawdy joke or two, get some stock tips and, after a couple of cocktails, you can drift off to sleep imagining he’s actually a busty Bolshevik KGB agent out to seduce you for a state secret.

I’ve been told my snoring sounds like an Enfield Bullet – how can I avoid disturbing fellow passengers?
When we travel, we enter into an unwritten social contract to cause as little disturbance to our fellow travellers as possible. Since there are far too many violators of this contract, I’m all for as much strictly enforced, in-flight segregation as possible. I feel there should be separate, secure cabins for gum-chewers, seat-kickers and one just for people who look like they might drunkenly sing along to in-flight movie soundtracks. For snorers, I am optimistic they will develop a soundproof helmet that automatically drops from the ceiling and attaches to the offender’s head. Until that comes to pass and, since snoring is beyond your control, the solution I offer you is this: stay awake. Drink an espresso every 15 minutes or jog up and down the aisles. And once you land, you might want to see a doctor about that Enfield in your throat.

I get hopelessly bored on long flights (think Mumbai-New York). What’s the best way to while away 16-plus hours on a plane?
Sixteen hours with nothing to do but eat, watch movies and sleep? Sounds like heaven to me. If, however, you are an overachiever and need extra stimulation, try the following:
  • Help the crew clear up after the meal service
  • Sing lullabies to a crying baby
  • Play live Tetris with carry-ons in the overhead bins
  • Offer shoulder rubs to nervous fliers
  • Clean out the crumbs from all the little channels in the seats that the cleaning crews always seem to miss
  • Fill out your co-passengers’ arrival documents for them
  • Stand outside the bathroom and ask everyone who exits: “As a courtesy to the other passengers, did you, in fact, wipe down the sink after use?”
  • Explore opportunities for Mile High Club membership. If unsuccessful, join as a solo member.
Via: GQ India

20 comments:

  1. Completely loving this!! Hilarious, yet so so true ;)

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  2. I am amazed at your sense of humor...u r just awesome...literally rolling on the floor...

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    1. Ha! Glad to hear, Paramita! :-)

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  3. This has me in splits! But I already knew of your incredible wit. You had me at a joke you made a couple of years ago: "I'm wearing the fragrance of the season: Eau de Chien Mouillé from the house of CK (Canine Khanna)".

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  4. Niceee! Damnn funny and damn right!

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  5. very good travel trips with lots of sense of humor,you are so decent and have lots of nice ideas while travelling.The ideas are full of sense of humor while away on the plane.marvellous.loved this!!

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  7. So I might be repeating here, but it was hilarious, was just browsing net , taking break from studying for exams, this was a piece worth reading after all that monotonous one's .. thank you , quite stress relieving.! especially how to kill time on long flights! Been there, done that! ha!

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  8. I just read this to the entire work team and tears flowed with laughter ! Rahul you are truly gifted ! Ever tried stand-up ? You'd be the best looking one too !

    Ritu Handa

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  9. true , he could try for stand up comedy and people shall have more to laugh about than parochial view on humor, sexist jokes.

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  10. I feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record since I say this in every other comment I write on your posts!! Ehh...but who cares....it's true anyways!! You're an amazing writer with great sense of humor!! Love reading each and every word, sentence, paragraph of your post!!

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  11. You had me roaring with laughter at the "unicorn of travel bit". The sentiment at this point is a universal wet dream. You should write more; you could totally be the Indian equivalent of David Sedaris.

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  12. My God ! U n I are alike in soooo many respects !! seriosly ...... wish I could tell u .................

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  13. Whenever I am low, i read your posts and guess what ??!! it peps me up like nothing else ........... U are totally palliative !! Cheers !!

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  14. Oh my, I was laughing so so hard while reading this hilarious blog. You are not only handsome, but also one of the greatest humorists on the planet. Please, you must respond to me. I really sic
    She to talk with you more about annoying people and tipping and giving up kidneys when cleaning lady cleans your room. Ha, ha, ha,, lol, lmao, sooo cute. You must respond to me. We have so much in common, you and I. Like jumping in the air, and drinking margaritas and Led Zeppelin and stylish British gift boxes and suits. Just a coffee and brunch will do. I will meet you at tan hotel this Sunday at 2:00 pm for coffee, my treat. We will talk about classy shoes and mixed drinks and our funny travel experiences and we will laugh and laugh and laugh like crazy people in a mental institution. It will be wonderful. See you Sunday.

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